Checking in on your dad or your brother

Plenty of men talk to their father about the car and the football, and to their brother at Christmas. If that suits you both, fine. This is for when it doesn't: you'd like more than that, or he's seemed off and you don't know how to ask.

Start small

Don't open with "we should talk more". Open with something he can answer in a line. "How are you" gets "fine". A specific question gets an answer, and an answer is somewhere to start. Evidence: worth trying

Do you still have Dad's old tools?

Copy

What was the name of that teacher who hated us both?

Copy

How did the appointment go?

Copy

What was your first job? I realised I don't know.

Copy

The message itself tends to be more welcome than you'd guess. People who reached out after a gap underestimated how much it was appreciated, most of all with people they weren't close to. Evidence: decent Those studies weren't about brothers or fathers. Evidence: decent Ask your brother one question.

Ring, don't type

Texting feels safer. People expect a call to be more awkward than a typed message, and pick typing. Evidence: decent In a field test, people who rang an old friend felt more connected than those who emailed, and it was no more awkward. Evidence: decent That test was old friends, not family. Evidence: decent Call, don't text.

Make the call worth having

Stop counting how often you call. Evidence: worth trying In one study, more calls went with a worse relationship only with fathers whose health limited them; with fathers in good health, more went with a warmer one. Evidence: decent So it's no reason to call less. What happens on the call is the part you control.

• Ask about one specific thing and hear the whole answer.
• Then ask one follow-up. People who asked more follow-up questions came across as better listeners and were liked more. Evidence: decent Those were strangers, not parents. Evidence: decent
• Go easy on advice about his health. Evidence: worth trying Don't count the calls.

With your dad, ask about his life. "Where did you live when you were my age?" Write down what he said that evening. What that does for either of you hasn't been studied. Evidence: worth trying The plain reason to do it anyway: some questions have a deadline. Ask about their life.

If he seems off

You don't need to be sure. Quieter than usual, drinking more, a bit too dark on the phone. Pick a time it's just the two of you, in the car or fixing something, and ask once, plainly:

You've not seemed yourself lately. How are you really doing?

Copy

If he says "fine", ask once more, then leave it. He knows the door's open. Being there for a friend who's struggling has the rest, and it works for a brother or a father too.

If it goes badly

He grunts, changes the subject, makes a joke. That may just be how he talks. It's not a verdict on you.

You may come off the call irritated. Warmth and irritation at the same time is ordinary between grown children and their parents. Evidence: decent Say both halves to yourself: "I love him and he drives me mad." Then leave it there. Expect the mixed feeling.

Keep going

One question takes two minutes. If it goes nowhere, send another next month. The second message is the one that says you meant the first.

When it's serious

If he's been low for weeks, or lost interest in things he used to like, help him get to a doctor. The short check doctors use is in two questions, then a doctor. Offer to drive him there.

If he talks about being a burden, not wanting to be here, or a way out, go to a friend is in a bad place. If he may be in danger now, don't leave him alone. Call your local emergency number (112 in the EU), or take him to the emergency room. A crisis line for your country: findahelpline.com.