Being there for a friend who's struggling

You don't need training for this. You need to notice, make contact, and keep turning up. That's most of it.

What you might have noticed

He's gone quiet, or cancels everything. He's drinking more. Shorter temper. Jokes that are a bit too dark. He looks tired in a way sleep doesn't fix. Or something happened: a job lost, a breakup, a death.

You don't need to be sure. "Something seems off" is enough reason to make contact.

Make contact

Short and low pressure. No reply required:

Been thinking about you. No need to reply. I'm around.

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You've seemed off lately. Not asking for a report. Beer or a walk this week?

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If he doesn't answer, it still landed. People value a check-in more than the sender expects. Evidence: decent Try again in a few days.

The conversation

Get next to him, not across from him. A walk, a drive, fixing something. Evidence: worth trying

Ask once, plainly:

How are you really doing?

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Then be quiet, longer than is comfortable. If he says "fine", you can ask one more time: "You sure? You've not seemed yourself." Then leave it. He now knows the door is open, and that's the point.

If he talks, your job is to get it right, not to fix it. Say back what you hear: "So it's been like this since the summer." Ask: "What's the worst part?"

What to skip

• "It could be worse." "Others have it harder."
• "Pull yourself together."
• "You just need to…" Advice he didn't ask for tells him you've stopped listening. Evidence: decent
• Your own story, told to top his.
• Filling every silence.

Say instead:

That sounds heavy.

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I'm not going anywhere.

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What would help this week?

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Keep turning up

The first message is nice. The second is the one he'll believe. Put a reminder in your phone. Keep inviting him to normal things, even when he keeps saying no. Offer something practical: a lift, a meal, company for the doctor's appointment.

People with even one person who stays in touch tend to do better. Evidence: decent

When it's serious

If he talks about being a burden, not wanting to be here, or a way out, ask him straight:

Are you thinking about killing yourself?

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Asking does not put the idea in his head. Evidence: solid

If he says yes, or he has a plan: don't leave him alone. Call your local emergency number (112 in the EU), or take him to the emergency room. A crisis line for your country: findahelpline.com. Stay until someone else takes over. Don't promise to keep it secret.

If it's bad but not an emergency, help him book a doctor and offer to go with him.

Look after your end

You're a friend, not his treatment. You can't carry this alone for months, and you shouldn't try. Tell one person what you're carrying. Keep your own sleep and your own life running. You're no use to him worn out.