A friend is in a bad place
Someone you care about isn't right. He's gone quiet, or he's drinking more, or he said something that stuck with you. You want to help, you don't know what to say, and you're afraid of making it worse.
I've been on both sides of this.
What's happening in you
You feel useless because you can't fix it. You don't have to fix it.
People with even one person who notices and stays in touch tend to do better. Evidence: decent A lot of men in a bad place have nobody doing that.
Next five minutes
Send one message
Pick one. Change the words until it sounds like you. Send it now, before you talk yourself out of it.
Been thinking about you. No need to reply. I'm around.
You've seemed off lately. Not asking for a report. Beer or a walk this week?
No idea what to say, so just this: I'm here.
Next five minutes
Drop the goal
You're not going to sort out his life tonight. The job is smaller: make contact.
If he doesn't answer, it still landed. People value a check-in more than the sender expects. Evidence: decent Message again in a few days.
Today
Get next to him
Next to him, not across from him. A walk, a drive, fixing something, a match. Talking is easier with something else to look at. Evidence: worth trying
Ask once, plainly:
How are you really doing?
Then be quiet. Longer than is comfortable.
Today
What not to say
Don't: "It could be worse." "Others have it harder." "Pull yourself together." "You just need to…"
Don't top his story with yours. Don't fill the silence. Advice only if he asks.
Instead:
That sounds heavy.
I'm not going anywhere.
What would help this week?
If it's serious
If it sounds serious
If he talks about being a burden, not wanting to be here, or a way out, ask him straight:
Are you thinking about killing yourself?
Asking does not put the idea in his head. Evidence: solid
Bad but not an emergency: help him book a doctor. A GP is a fine first step. Offer to go with him.
If it's serious
If it's an emergency
He says yes, or he has a plan: don't leave him alone. Call your local emergency number (112 in the EU), or take him to the emergency room. A crisis line for your country: findahelpline.com.
Stay until someone else takes over. Don't promise to keep it secret.
This week, if you want
Set a reminder for three days from now and check in again. The first message is nice. The second is the one he'll believe.
Keep inviting him to normal things, even if he keeps saying no.
And tell one person what you're carrying. Doing this alone is how you end up needing it yourself.
That's enough for now. You're back on firm ground.
You noticed, and you showed up. That's the job.