The usual picture is that desire comes first and everything else follows. A clinical model from 2000 says it often goes the other way: arousal comes first and the wanting shows up once things have started. Evidence: decent It's a model doctors use to explain what they see in patients. Nobody has tested it in a trial.
It was built from work with women. Whether it fits you, you'll know from your own experience. Evidence: worth trying If it does, "I'm not in the mood" stops meaning "something's wrong with us".
This is about your own wanting, nothing else. It is not a reason to push a partner who isn't in the mood, and it doesn't turn a no into a maybe.
Same theme: Desire
Desire
Generous, not dutiful
When your partner wants closeness and you're lukewarm but open to it, you can say yes to what you're glad to give. If you're not open to it, say no. Both answers are fine.
no timeEvidence: decent
Desire
New erection trouble, sudden low desire, or pain? See a doctor
Book a doctor if erections have become a new problem, desire dropped away suddenly, or sex hurts. Say it plainly, the way you'd describe a bad knee.
10 minEvidence: solid
Desire
Say the gap out loud, once
On a calm day, outside the bedroom, say it plainly: I think we want it at different times. Then ask how it is for your partner, and listen.
10 minEvidence: worth trying