In a year-long trial with 120 couples, half did this three times, seven minutes each. The other half did nothing. Both groups slid in satisfaction over the first year, the way most couples do. In the second year the do-nothing couples kept sliding. The writing couples stopped. Evidence: decent
It doesn't make things great. It stops the slow slide. Writing from the outside pulls you out of your own corner long enough to see the shape of the fight, and the shape is usually the same every time.
Same theme: When it turns into a fight
When it turns into a fight
Argue their side for a minute
When someone's got you angry, spend one minute making their case as if you meant it.
1 minEvidence: decent
When it turns into a fight
Ask what they saw, not what they meant
When you hear "you always do this" or "your work's been sloppy", ask for the last time it happened and what they saw. Then answer that, not the "always".
no timeEvidence: worth trying
When it turns into a fight
Book the money talk, don't spring it
Don't raise money the moment a bill lands or a purchase shows up. Say "Can we go through money on Sunday, half an hour?" Then keep to it.
30 minEvidence: worth trying