Money isn't what couples fight about most. In a diary study of a hundred couples, it wasn't the most common topic day to day. Evidence: decent But in a study of more than four thousand couples, disagreements about money predicted divorce more strongly than the other disagreements they asked about. Evidence: decent Less often, more damage. Both studies rely on what couples reported themselves.
Booking the talk is my addition, not something those studies tested. My reasoning: a talk you both saw coming starts calmer than one that starts with a bank statement pushed across the kitchen table. Evidence: worth trying Not late at night, either: don't fight tired.
When you sit down, talk about the numbers and the plan, not what the spending says about either of you.
Same theme: When it turns into a fight
When it turns into a fight
Argue their side for a minute
When someone's got you angry, spend one minute making their case as if you meant it.
1 minEvidence: decent
When it turns into a fight
Ask what they saw, not what they meant
When you hear "you always do this" or "your work's been sloppy", ask for the last time it happened and what they saw. Then answer that, not the "always".
no timeEvidence: worth trying
When it turns into a fight
Call a break, name the return
"I'm too wound up to do this well. Twenty minutes. I'm coming back." Then come back.
20 minEvidence: worth trying