In a large review of feedback studies, feedback went wrong especially when it pulled attention onto the person instead of the task. Evidence: decent "You always" is about you. "Last Tuesday, the invoice went out late" is about a task. Asking for the example moves both of you from the first to the second.
Nobody has tested this exact question in a kitchen or a performance review. Evidence: worth trying
It isn't a trap. If you ask for an example so you can argue about the example, you've found a smarter way to run.
Same theme: When it turns into a fight
When it turns into a fight
Argue their side for a minute
When someone's got you angry, spend one minute making their case as if you meant it.
1 minEvidence: decent
When it turns into a fight
Book the money talk, don't spring it
Don't raise money the moment a bill lands or a purchase shows up. Say "Can we go through money on Sunday, half an hour?" Then keep to it.
30 minEvidence: worth trying
When it turns into a fight
Call a break, name the return
"I'm too wound up to do this well. Twenty minutes. I'm coming back." Then come back.
20 minEvidence: worth trying