How to do it
- Write them down, don't just think them. The lab had people think; paper is my addition, so you can read them next time.
- Facts, not verdicts. "Was late every time it mattered" is a fact. "Selfish" is a verdict.
- Three and stop. Three is my number, not the study's.
- Keep the list where you'll find it when the pull comes back.
How the longing eases
- The pulldraws you back
In a scan study of 15 people still in love about two months after being left, areas tied to reward and wanting were more active at the ex's photo. A small study.
- Bad sidesget your attention
In the lab, people looked at photos of the ex, or of a partner, a few seconds each, and thought about the bad sides. One sitting.
- Love ratingsdrop a little
How in love and attached people said they felt went down, in the broken-up group too. They also felt less positive.
- Youless in love, for now
It was measured right then. Nobody checked a week later. That writing works like thinking is my guess.
Why it works
In a lab study of 40 people, 20 of them recently broken up, thinking about the negative sides of the ex, or of a partner, lowered how in love and attached they said they felt, in both groups. Evidence: worth trying That was one sitting, measured right then, and they felt less positive too. Evidence: worth trying
It's one small study, and nobody has shown it lasts. It costs a pen. Evidence: worth trying
The long readEvery step of the chain, each study with its numbers, and what's still unproven. 2 min read.
What happens in your brain
These are separate findings, lined up. Nobody has scanned someone writing this list.
The pull draws you back. In a scan study of 15 people who'd been left about two months earlier and were still in love, areas tied to reward and motivation were more active when they looked at a photo of the ex. Evidence: worth trying The researchers compare it to craving; that's their reading. Evidence: worth trying
The bad sides get your attention. In the lab study, people looked at photos of the ex, or of a current partner, a few seconds each, and thought about the negative sides of the person or the relationship. One session. Evidence: worth trying
Love ratings drop a little. Afterwards they rated their feelings of love and attachment lower, in both groups. Evidence: worth trying They also rated themselves less positive. Evidence: worth trying
You, less in love, for now. Nobody measured the next day or the next month. Evidence: worth trying Writing the facts down rather than thinking them is my change; the lab didn't test paper. Evidence: worth trying
The proof
- 40 people, 20 of them after a recent breakup, took part in a single lab session with brain recordings and questionnaires. Focusing on the negative sides of the ex or partner lowered how in love and attached they said they felt, right then, in both groups. Evidence: worth trying
- They also felt less positive afterwards. A brain signal measured on the scalp dropped in the couples; in the broken-up group the drop wasn't significant. Evidence: worth trying
- 15 people, rejected on average about 63 days before and still in love, were scanned looking at the ex's photo. Areas tied to reward and motivation were more active. Evidence: worth trying
How to do it
- When the longing hits, write down three plain, true, unflattering facts about the ex or how it was.
- Facts, not verdicts. "Was late every time it mattered" is a fact. "Selfish" is a verdict.
- Three, then stop. The number is mine, not the study's. Evidence: worth trying
- Keep the list where you'll find it next time.
Watch out
One session, 40 people, half of them after a breakup. Evidence: worth trying What dropped was how in love people said they felt, right then; nobody checked later. Evidence: worth trying People thought about the bad sides; writing them down hasn't been tested. Evidence: worth trying Less in love isn't the same as feeling better: people also felt less positive right after. Evidence: worth trying
If writing the list starts you going over the whole thing again, stop.