How to do it
- Every app, today. Otherwise each scroll is another decision not to look.
- Mute or unfollow. You don't have to block; that's there if you want it.
- Don't search the name. Muting stops the ex turning up, not you going looking.
- Move the photos to a folder you don't open. Deleting them is a decision for later.
How the checking works
- The feedshows you the ex
If you're still connected, the ex's posts turn up whether you go looking or not. Every scroll is a fresh chance to look.
- The pullmakes you look
In a scan study of 15 people still in love about two months after being left, areas tied to reward and wanting were more active at the ex's photo. That this drives the checking is a guess.
- Checkinggoes with more hurt
In a survey of 464 people after a breakup, more checking of the ex's Facebook went with more distress and longing. It may run the other way, with people who hurt more checking more.
- Yousee less of it
Muting takes the choice away once, instead of every scroll. That it eases the hurt is my guess; nobody has tested it.
Why it works
In a survey of 464 people after a breakup, the ones who checked the ex's Facebook more often reported more distress, more longing for the ex, more bad feeling and less personal growth. Evidence: decent It's a snapshot, so it shows a link, not which came first. Evidence: decent
Muting doesn't need willpower. You decide once, not every time you scroll. That this helps is my suggestion; nobody has tested it. Evidence: worth trying
The long readEvery step of the chain, each study with its numbers, and what's still unproven. 2 min read.
What happens in your brain
This one is mostly behaviour. The one brain finding is a small scan study.
The feed shows you the ex. If you're still connected, the ex's posts, and other people's posts with the ex in them, turn up whether you go looking or not. Evidence: worth trying
The pull makes you look. 15 people who'd been left about two months earlier, and were still in love, were scanned while looking at a photo of the ex. Areas tied to reward and motivation were more active. Evidence: worth trying The researchers compare it to craving. That's their reading, not a measurement. Evidence: worth trying That this is what drives the checking is a guess. Evidence: worth trying
Checking goes with more hurt. In the survey of 464 people, more checking went with more distress and longing. Evidence: decent It may run the other way: people who are hurting more may check more. The survey can't tell. Evidence: decent
You see less of it. Muting takes away the prompt. That this eases the hurt is a guess. Evidence: worth trying
The proof
- 464 people who'd been through a breakup answered a survey about how they used Facebook and how they were doing. More checking of the ex's page went with more distress, more longing for the ex, more negative feeling and less personal growth. Evidence: decent One point in time, so it's a link, not a cause. Evidence: decent
- 15 people, rejected on average about 63 days before and still in love, were scanned looking at the ex's photo. Areas tied to reward and motivation were more active. Evidence: worth trying
How to do it
- Mute or unfollow your ex today, on every app you use.
- You don't have to block. Blocking is there if you want it.
- Don't search the name. Muting stops the ex turning up; it doesn't stop you going looking.
- Move the photos to a folder you don't open. Deleting them is a decision for later.
Watch out
The survey was a snapshot, so the link could run either way. Evidence: decent In the same survey, people who stayed Facebook friends with the ex reported less longing, but less personal growth. Evidence: decent It was about Facebook, from 2012; whether it holds for whatever you scroll now is untested. Evidence: worth trying Nobody has tested muting an ex. Evidence: worth trying
If you share kids or a business, mute the feed and keep the messages.