It's over. You ended it, or it was ended for you, or it wore out. The first weeks: the phone in your hand at night, a flat that's too quiet, the urge to check what the ex is doing.
The pull has been looked at in a scanner, once, in a small study. 15 people who'd been left about two months earlier and were still in love looked at a photo of the ex, and areas tied to reward and wanting were more active. Evidence: worth trying The researchers compare it to craving; that's their reading. Evidence: worth trying You'll also read that rejection is literally physical pain. That only partly holds. One study of 40 people found overlapping activity in two areas that also handle pain from the body. Evidence: decent A later one of 60 found the two patterns could be told apart: a pattern trained to spot one did no better than chance on the other. Evidence: decent So it hurts, and it may use some of the same areas, but it isn't the same signal. Evidence: decent
At first, men take the bigger hit to how they feel. A German panel followed 18,030 people from 1984 to 2015, 1,220 of whom divorced, on 20 measures from money to health. Men had the bigger short-term dip in well-being, and it faded; women's losses in income lasted. Evidence: decent The picture of the lonely separated man doesn't hold either. In an Australian panel of more than 8,000 people, looking at splits at 50 or older, loneliness rose at separation for men and women about equally. Evidence: decent In that panel, men ended up lonelier than women after a partner died, not after a split. Evidence: decent
Some of what gets said has nothing behind it. "Half the length of the relationship to get over it" comes from no study. Evidence: worth trying The no-contact rule has never been tested as a method. Evidence: worth trying And rebounds aren't shown to be a mistake. In one study that followed 77 people, most of them women, those seeing someone new were doing no worse, and sometimes better; among those 27, a quicker start went with doing better. Evidence: worth trying That may run the other way: people already doing better start dating sooner. Evidence: worth trying
The nights
Write the message and keep it until morning. Get up at the same time whatever the night was like, and don't use drink to get to sleep. If you drink heavily every day, don't stop suddenly. Talk to a doctor first. Coming off alcohol all at once can cause seizures. Evidence: solid If you get shaky or sweaty when you go without a drink, that's the sign to talk to a doctor before cutting down.
Relationships
Write the 2am message, don't send it
When you want to message your ex at night, write it in your notes app, not the chat. Read it in the morning, then decide.
5 minEvidence: worth trying
Sleep
Same wake-up time, every day
Pick a wake-up time and keep it, weekends within an hour. Bad night or not.
no timeEvidence: decent
Sleep
Alcohol is not a sleep aid
If you drink, stop three hours before bed. On a bad-sleep week, none.
no timeEvidence: solid
Stress and nerves
Pick the drink-free days before the week starts
On Sunday, choose the days this week you won't drink and put them in the calendar. Then Wednesday at six isn't a decision.
2 minEvidence: worth trying
When the pull comes
Take the ex out of your feed once, so you aren't deciding it every scroll. When the longing comes anyway, name it, write three plain facts, or run it in the third person.
Relationships
Mute the ex
Today, mute or unfollow your ex on every app you use. Don't rely on willpower not to look.
5 minEvidence: worth trying
Relationships
Three unflattering facts
When the longing hits, write down three plain, true, unflattering facts about the ex or how it was. Things that happened, not insults. Expect it to lower the pull and your mood a little, both.
5 minEvidence: worth trying
Mood
Name it in one word
When something's got you, say what it is, plainly. "Annoyed." "Embarrassed." "Scared." Out loud or on paper.
no timeEvidence: decent
Mood
Replay it in the third person
When the meeting starts replaying in your head, run it with your own name instead of "I". "Why did Martin go quiet when the boss asked about the numbers?"
2 minEvidence: worth trying
The weeks after
Give the week a shape again and put people in it. None of these has been tested after a breakup. Evidence: worth trying Writing about it has, and the result is a warning: in a trial of 90 recently separated people, 32 of them men, those still searching hard for why it happened did worse up to nine months on after writing about it than after neutral writing. Evidence: decent One study. If the writing keeps you asking why, stop.
Purpose
Give the week its old shape
Set the alarm for your old work time. Be dressed and out of the door within the hour, even if it's only round the block. Then give each weekday one fixed thing.
every weekdayEvidence: worth trying
Mood
Tell one person, once
Tell one person who wasn't in the room what happened. Start to finish, once. Ask if it was as bad as it feels. Then talk about something else.
10 minEvidence: worth trying
Friends
Add a friend at the big changes
New job, a move, a baby, retirement. In the first three months, pick one person from the new setting and suggest something specific. Then again a fortnight later.
10 minEvidence: worth trying
If there are kids
After a divorce, what goes with kids doing less well is conflict between their parents, and the harsher, less supportive parenting that goes with it. Evidence: decent The links are small, and they're correlations, across 115 samples. Evidence: decent The handover is where the two of you meet. Keep it short.
If the low has gone on for weeks, ask yourself the two questions.
If there was violence in the relationship, or you're afraid of your ex, talk to local support services before you arrange anything, handovers included.
If it's got to the point where you don't want to be here, call your local emergency number (112 in the EU) or a crisis line: findahelpline.com.