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Relationships · When it turns into a fight

Say "I might be wrong" first

no timeEvidence: worth trying

Do this

A disagreement at work, with a friend or over dinner: before you make your case, say one line. "I might be wrong, but here's how I see it."

How to do it

  • One line before your case: "I might be wrong, but here's how I see it." Then make the case properly.
  • Mean it. Find one real way you might be wrong before you say it.
  • Use it for opinions, a call at work, a friend's plan, politics at dinner. Mid-row with a partner, argue their side instead.
  • Then listen. Openness to the other side is what went with humility in the studies.

How being open plays out

  1. Humilitygoes with openness

    Across four studies, people who knew their views could be wrong were more open to views against theirs.

  2. A promptraised it

    In one lab study, reading that intelligence can grow made people more humble, and more open to the other side.

  3. Conflictstays calmer

    Students and government finance workers higher in humility reported more working together, less attacking or dodging. Self-report, and a link.

  4. Yousay it first

    Nobody tested saying the line. The prompt was a reading, not a sentence you say. That it nudges you the same way is a guess.

Why it works

Most disagreements about opinions go the same way: two people each defending a position. People higher in intellectual humility, meaning they know their views could be wrong, reported meeting conflict with more working together and less attacking or dodging. Evidence: decent That's a trait measured mostly by asking people, and a link, not a cause. Evidence: decent

One sentence before your case is my attempt to borrow some of that. Nobody has tested saying it. Evidence: worth trying

The long readEvery step of the chain, each study with its numbers, and what's still unproven. 2 min read.

What happens in your brain

This chain is behaviour, not brain areas. The first two stops are one paper, the third another, and the last is my extension.

Humility goes with openness. Across four studies, people higher in intellectual humility were more open to views that opposed theirs. Evidence: decent

A prompt raised it. In the fourth study, 104 students who read an article saying intelligence can grow came out more intellectually humble, and more open to the other side. Evidence: decent That's one lab manipulation. Evidence: decent

Conflict stays calmer. In studies with 640 students and 269 government finance workers, people higher in intellectual humility reported more collaborative and less attacking or evasive responses in conflicts with family, friends and at work. Evidence: decent

You say it first. Saying "I might be wrong" out loud is not what either paper tested. The prompt was something people read, not a sentence they said. That the line nudges you the same way is a guess. Evidence: worth trying

The proof

  • Porter and Schumann, 2018: four studies. Higher intellectual humility went with more openness to opposing views. Evidence: decent In study 4, a growth-mindset prompt raised humility, which raised openness. Evidence: decent
  • Koetke et al., 2024: 640 students and 269 government finance workers. Higher humility went with more collaborative, less attacking or evasive responses to conflict with family and friends, and, for the workers, at work. Evidence: decent Self-report and correlational. Evidence: decent

How to do it

  • Before you make your case, one line: "I might be wrong, but here's how I see it." Then make it properly. Evidence: worth trying
  • Mean it. Before you say it, find one real way you might be wrong. That step is my addition. Evidence: worth trying
  • Use it for opinions: a call at work, a friend's plan, politics at dinner. With a partner mid-row, argue their side for a minute instead.
  • Then listen. Openness to the other side is what went with humility in the studies. Evidence: decent

Watch out

Saying the line is untested. Evidence: worth trying The humility studies measured a trait, mostly by asking people about themselves, and found a link with calmer conflict, not proof that one causes the other. Evidence: decent The one experiment changed humility with a reading about intelligence, in a lab. Evidence: decent

Said as a tactic, it's a softer opening shot and nothing more. And "I might be wrong" isn't backing down. If the facts are with you, hold the point.

Mid-row with a partner, this is the wrong tool. Argue their side for a minute is built for that.

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