Getting back in touch after a long silence

A lot of friendships don't end. They lapse, because nobody sends the next message. Evidence: worth trying The longer it goes, the more the first message feels like it has to explain the whole gap. It doesn't.

Why it's easier than it feels

The person receiving a short check-in values it more than the sender expects. Evidence: decent The gap is biggest when the contact is unexpected. Evidence: decent Even so, most people don't send it. With an old friend in mind and a hello already written, only about a third did. Evidence: decent

Months: two lines, no reason

If it's been months, you don't need a reason. Send the message.

Thought of you today. How are things? No need to reply.

Copy

Drove past the old place. Hope you're well.

Copy

"No need to reply" asks nothing back. That wording is mine; it wasn't tested. Evidence: worth trying

Stuck? Warm up first. Message two or three people you're already in touch with, then the one you've been putting off. People who did that were more likely to write to the old friend. Evidence: decent

Years: bring one specific thing

After years, give them something to answer: a question only they can answer, or news they'd want to hear. Say why it's them. Reopen an old line with a reason.

Found a photo of us at [place]. Still makes me laugh. Are you still in [town]?

Copy

I'm finally doing the [thing] you always said I should. Any advice before I start?

Copy

Heard [old friend] is getting married. Made me think of you. How've you been?

Copy

An old line isn't dead. Contacts silent for three years or more still gave advice as useful as current ones, and more novel. Evidence: worth trying That was executives asking for work advice. Whether a lost friend responds the same way hasn't been tested. Evidence: worth trying

What to skip

• The long apology for the gap. One line at most: "Been too long, that's on me."
• Your whole life since. Wait to be asked.
• A question about something else, if the two of you fell out. It skips the part that needs saying.
• A big ask in the first message.

If they reply

Suggest a call. People expect a call to be more awkward than typing, and lean towards typing. Evidence: decent People who rang an old friend felt more connected than those who emailed, and it was no more awkward. Evidence: decent Call, don't text.

Good to hear from you. Easier to catch up by phone. Free for ten minutes Sunday?

Copy

Afterwards you'll replay the long pause and the joke that fell flat. Discount it. After talking with someone new, people underestimate how much the other person liked them. Evidence: decent That was new acquaintances, not old friends, so applying it here is a guess. Evidence: worth trying They liked you more than you think.

If it went well, suggest one specific thing: a place and a day.

If it goes quiet

One message. If it goes quiet, leave it. Don't chase, and don't send a second message explaining the first.

You can try again in a few months, with two lines and no reason. The studies measured how welcome a message was, not whether a friendship came back. Evidence: decent Sending it was the part you controlled.

If they're not doing well

Sometimes the reply tells you why they went quiet. If the friend is in a bad place, two lines is a start, not the whole job. Being there for a friend who's struggling has the rest.