How to do it
- Pick one job with an end. A box of their things, one account closed, the shelf they never finished.
- Finish it this week. A finished job is something you can point to.
- If it hits you halfway through, stop for a bit. Moving between the two is the normal pattern.
- Don't let doing replace missing them. The model says both sides are needed.
How grief moves
- Missing themthe loss side
Going over it, the photos, the empty chair. One widely used model calls this one half of grieving.
- Getting onthe practical side
Paperwork, the house, the jobs that were theirs. The same model counts this as coping too, not running from it.
- Back and forthis the normal pattern
The model says you need both and move between them. It's a model, with few direct tests.
- Youone job, finished
Sorting their things touches both sides at once. That it helps is my guess, not a finding.
Why it works
Not everyone grieves by talking about it. Doka and Martin describe two styles: one felt and expressed, one channelled into thinking and doing. Evidence: worth trying It's a continuum, many people mix both, and gender is only one factor in where you land. Evidence: worth trying That comes from a book, not a study. Evidence: worth trying
One widely used model of grief says there are two sides to it: facing the loss, and getting on with the life that's left. You need both, and moving between them is normal. Evidence: decent Finishing one practical job connected to them is my application of that. Evidence: worth trying
The long readEvery step of the chain, each study with its numbers, and what's still unproven. 2 min read.
What happens in your brain
This chain is a model of grief, not brain areas. The first three stops are the model; the last is mine.
Missing them is the loss side. Going over what happened, the photos, the empty chair. The model calls this loss-oriented coping. Evidence: decent
Getting on is the practical side. Paperwork, the house, taking on jobs that were theirs. The model calls this restoration-oriented coping and counts it as coping, not avoidance. Evidence: decent
Back and forth is the normal pattern. The model says people need both and move between them. Evidence: decent It's a description with few direct tests, not a proven treatment. Evidence: decent
You finish one job. Sorting their things is practical, and it puts you face to face with the loss. That it helps is my guess. Evidence: worth trying
The proof
- Stroebe and Schut's dual process model, 1999: grief involves loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping, and moving between them. Evidence: decent It's a model, with few direct tests. Evidence: decent
- Doka and Martin, 2010: instrumental grieving, through thinking and doing, and intuitive grieving, through feeling and expressing, on a continuum. Evidence: worth trying It's a book, not an empirical study. Evidence: worth trying
- Nobody has tested finishing one job connected to the person who died. Evidence: worth trying
How to do it
- Pick one job with an end. A box of their things, one account closed, the shelf they never finished.
- Finish it this week. A finished job is something you can point to.
- If it hits you halfway through, stop for a bit. Moving between the two is the normal pattern. Evidence: decent
- Don't let doing replace missing them. The model says both sides are needed. Evidence: decent
Watch out
Doing rather than talking isn't a male way of grieving. Doka and Martin warn against reading their styles that way: gender is only a contributing factor, and many people mix both. Evidence: worth trying Their book is theory, not a study. Evidence: worth trying The dual process model has had few direct tests. Evidence: decent Nobody has tested this hack. Evidence: worth trying
If you're busy every waking hour so you never stop long enough to miss them, that's half of it being skipped. If talking suits you better than doing, tell one person, once.