Someone has died. Your dad, a friend, your brother, your partner. The first weeks are phone calls, paperwork, a funeral, the same few sentences from everyone. Then it goes quiet, and everyone else goes back to normal.
It comes and goes. One hour you're on the phone to the bank, the next you're done for in the car park. One widely used model says that's how grief works: you move between facing the loss and getting on with life, and you need both. Evidence: decent It's a model, with few direct tests. Evidence: decent It's still a better description than the one most people know.
That one is the five stages, and it's oversold. They came from Kübler-Ross's work with people who were dying, not people grieving. Evidence: decent When a Yale study followed 233 bereaved people for two years, acceptance was the most common response from the first month, and yearning, not disbelief, was the strongest painful feeling. Evidence: decent The feelings peaked in roughly the textbook order, but they were all there at once, not taken in turns. Evidence: decent If you're not angry yet, you haven't skipped anything.
Most people come through it. A study that followed 205 people from before their spouse died to 18 months after found the largest group, about 46%, were resilient: low distress throughout. Evidence: decent That meant low scores on a distress scale, not that they didn't care. Evidence: decent About 16% had grief that stayed high. Evidence: decent These were older American couples. In other studies, a child's death, or a sudden or violent one, tends to go harder. Evidence: decent None of it is a schedule. Flattened at three months isn't failing. Back at work in a week isn't cold.
The first weeks
Keep the basics running: the same wake-up time, and no drink to get to sleep. Drinking can go up after a loss. Evidence: decent In one small study from 1999, widowed men over 65 drank more often and more heavily over the next year than married men. Evidence: decent If you drink heavily every day, don't stop suddenly. Talk to a doctor first. Coming off alcohol all at once can cause seizures. Evidence: solid If you get shaky or sweaty when you go without a drink, that's the sign to talk to a doctor before cutting down. If it was your partner, see your own doctor in the first months.
Sleep
Same wake-up time, every day
Pick a wake-up time and keep it, weekends within an hour. Bad night or not.
no timeEvidence: decent
Sleep
Alcohol is not a sleep aid
If you drink, stop three hours before bed. On a bad-sleep week, none.
no timeEvidence: solid
Stress and nerves
Pick the drink-free days before the week starts
On Sunday, choose the days this week you won't drink and put them in the calendar. Then Wednesday at six isn't a decision.
2 minEvidence: worth trying
Mood
Lost your partner? Book a check-up
Lost your partner in the last few months? Book your own doctor. Say what happened, and how you're sleeping and drinking.
10 minEvidence: decent
Doing it your way
Some people grieve more through doing than talking. Evidence: worth trying It's a continuum, most people mix both, and it isn't simply a men's thing. Evidence: worth trying Both count. When it's the feeling side, name it in a word, or tell one person the story once.
Mood
Do one thing for them
This week, finish one practical job connected to them. One box sorted, one form sent, one thing they left half-done.
1 hourEvidence: worth trying
Mood
Name it in one word
When something's got you, say what it is, plainly. "Annoyed." "Embarrassed." "Scared." Out loud or on paper.
no timeEvidence: decent
Mood
Tell one person, once
Tell one person who wasn't in the room what happened. Start to finish, once. Ask if it was as bad as it feels. Then talk about something else.
10 minEvidence: worth trying
The months after
Keeping them close is common: talking to them, wearing the watch, keeping the voicemail. Evidence: decent A review of 79 studies found it brings comfort to some and distress to others, and couldn't say whether holding on or letting go works better. Evidence: decent Doing it doesn't mean something's wrong, and it isn't a technique to take up on purpose. Evidence: worth trying
Mark the dates that will come back. Keep the people who are still here. If a parent has died, the other one has a life you can still ask about.
Mood
Mark the date before it arrives
Put the anniversary of the death in your calendar now, with one line on what you'll do that day. A walk where you used to go, a call to your brother, a day off.
5 minEvidence: worth trying
Friends
Send the message you're not sending
The friend you've been meaning to contact: two lines, now. Thought of you, no need to reply.
1 minEvidence: decent
Friends
Add a friend at the big changes
New job, a move, a baby, retirement. In the first three months, pick one person from the new setting and suggest something specific. Then again a fortnight later.
10 minEvidence: worth trying
Family
Ask about their life, and write it down
Next time you're with your mother or father, ask one question about their life you can't answer yourself. Write down what they said that evening.
15 minEvidence: worth trying
When it's more than grief
Grief counselling for everyone is oversold. Across 61 controlled studies, it had a small effect straight after and none that held at follow-up. Evidence: solid For people who were already struggling badly with the loss, it worked about as well as therapy does for other problems. Evidence: decent So you don't need it by default. If you're stuck, it's worth getting.
For a minority, grief gets stuck. Doctors now recognise prolonged grief disorder: grief that stays intense and gets in the way of life, past 6 months by one diagnostic manual and 12 by the other. Evidence: decent In studies using older criteria, about 1 in 10 adults bereaved by a natural death met them; under the current, stricter definition it's fewer. Evidence: decent
Low mood in men doesn't always look like sadness. Evidence: decent Ask someone who sees you most days whether you've been shorter with people.
If you've been low most days for weeks, or you need a drink to get through the evenings, see a doctor.
If it's got to the point where you don't want to be here, call your local emergency number (112 in the EU) or a crisis line: findahelpline.com.
If it's a friend who's lost someone, read what to say.
Mood
Two questions, then a doctor
Ask yourself about the last two weeks. Little interest or pleasure in doing things? Feeling down, depressed or hopeless? Yes to either on most days: book a doctor.
2 minEvidence: decent
Mood
Flat can look like anger
Ask someone who sees you most days whether you've been shorter with people lately. Believe the answer.
2 minEvidence: decent