What to say to a friend who's lost someone

Someone close to him has died. You don't know what to say, so it's tempting to say nothing, or to wait until you do. Don't wait. Short and clumsy beats silent.

Friends going quiet or not turning up is one of the things bereaved people most often describe as unhelpful. Evidence: decent

What to say

Name the person. Use their name, or say who they were to him.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

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Thinking about you, and about Sam. No need to reply.

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I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I'm around.

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If you knew them, say one true thing about them. A time they made you laugh, something they fixed, something they said.

I keep thinking about Sam at your wedding, dancing badly and not caring.

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Keep messages short, and make it clear he doesn't have to answer.

What to skip

• "They're in a better place."
• "Everything happens for a reason."
• Your own loss, told to match his. "When my gran died…"
• Silver linings. "At least they didn't suffer." "At least you had them for forty years."
• Advice he didn't ask for. "You should get away for a bit."

In one study, people who'd lost a partner or child in a car crash named advice and being pushed to move on as the least helpful things; playing it down and "I know how you feel" came up too. Evidence: decent It's an older study of people describing what happened, not a trial. Evidence: decent

Say instead:

That's awful. I'm sorry.

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I'm not going anywhere.

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What to do

Skip "let me know if you need anything". Pick one thing and name the day.

I'm bringing dinner round Thursday. OK?

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I'll take the kids Saturday morning.

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Want me to drive you to the registry office?

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One practical thing, done without fuss: skip "let me know", do one thing.

Go to the funeral if you can.

Keep turning up

Plenty of people come to the funeral. Be the one who's still there a month on. Put two reminders in your phone: one for a month after, one for the anniversary. Send a line on both days.

Been thinking about your dad today. No need to reply.

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Keep inviting him to the ordinary things. He may say no for a while. Ask again.

He may be fine at the pub on Friday and flattened on Tuesday. That's normal. People move between grieving and getting on with life, and both are part of it. Evidence: decent

When it's serious

Grief counselling for everyone is oversold: in controlled studies it did little, and nothing that lasted. Evidence: solid It helped most in people who were already struggling badly with the loss. Evidence: decent If he's stuck, low most days for weeks, or drinking more to get through, help him book a doctor and offer to drive him. Drinking can go up after a loss. Evidence: decent The short check doctors use is in two questions, then a doctor.

If he talks about being a burden, not wanting to be here, or a way out, go to a friend is in a bad place. If he may be in danger now, don't leave him alone. Call your local emergency number (112 in the EU), or take him to the emergency room. A crisis line for your country: findahelpline.com.

Being there for a friend who's struggling has the rest.