Saying sorry to your partner and meaning it

You know you got it wrong. You said the thing, forgot the thing, or did it again. The apology is easy to get wrong too: a "but" on the end, or a sorry that's really a way to end the conversation, and you're back in the fight.

It's worth getting right. Across 175 studies and 26,006 people, an apology was among the strongest things about a situation that went with being forgiven. Evidence: decent Those studies watched people rather than tested anything, so they show a link, not a switch. Evidence: decent

Name what you did

In a study of what makes an apology work, admitting responsibility was rated the most important part. Offering to put it right came second. Evidence: decent The people in it rated written workplace scenarios; nobody was apologising to a partner. Evidence: decent

So say what you did. Not how your partner felt about it.

I called you useless with money in front of your sister. That was wrong. I'm sorry.

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I said I'd be home by seven and I didn't ring. I'm sorry.

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Skip "I'm sorry you feel that way". It names your partner's feelings and leaves out your part, the part that ranked highest. Nobody has tested that exact phrase; that's my reading of the study. Evidence: worth trying

No "but"

"I'm sorry, but you were winding me up" is a defence with sorry in front of it. Nobody has studied the "but"; my bet is it cancels the first half. Evidence: worth trying If there's a fair point about your partner's part, it keeps for another day.

Offer a repair

Say what you'll do, or ask what would help:

I'll ring your sister tomorrow and put it right.

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If I'm running late again, I'll text by six, not at nine.

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What would help put this right?

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Offer only what you'll actually do. A repair you don't make is a second offence.

Short and soon

Timing has had a little study. In two studies with students, apologies landed better once the person wronged had been heard than when they came straight away. Evidence: decent So listen first, then say it. My bet, borrowed from what works with kids: short and the same day beats long and next week. Evidence: worth trying Go back and fix it is the kids' version. Raising something with your partner has short repair lines for the middle of a row.

If it's hard to get out without defending yourself, try this well before you talk. In experiments, people who first wrote about something they valued in another part of their life went on to give fuller, less defensive apologies. Evidence: decent They wrote what they'd say; nobody was watched apologising face to face. Evidence: decent Ten minutes on your kids, your trade, a friend: write about something else first.

If your partner tells you how it landed, say back what you heard before you explain anything. Say it back.

Then let it sit

An apology isn't a request to be forgiven on the spot. Your partner may still be angry. That's allowed. Don't ask "so are we OK?" ten minutes later.

I don't expect it to be fine tonight. I wanted you to know I know.

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What to skip

• Sorry to end the conversation. "Fine, sorry, can we drop it" is heard as exactly that.
• A checklist read out. Responsibility, regret, repair, in order, sounds like a formula. Use the parts in your own words.
• Sorry for the same thing again, with nothing changed. By the third time it's a habit, not an apology.

When it's a different problem

If the same harm keeps happening and nothing changes, or if either of you says sorry because you're afraid of what happens if you don't, that's a different problem. This page isn't for it. Get outside help: findahelpline.com.