How to do it
- Be glad out loud first. Enthusiasm is the first half of the active, constructive reply.
- Then one question about it. How it happened, what's next. That's the building-on-it half.
- No 'but', and don't top it with your own. Pointing out the catch, or turning to yourself, went with worse.
- Mean it. Faking interest hasn't been shown to help.
What your answer does
- Good newsgets told
In daily reports, telling others about good events went with a better mood than the event alone explained. Mostly a link, not a test.
- Your answerkeen or flat
Researchers sorted how listeners replied. The active, glad kind, enthusiastic and building on the news, is the one that counted. Pointing out the catch or changing the subject wasn't.
- The tellergets more from it
When the teller felt the listener answered that way, they got more benefit from having told it.
- Relationshiptracks it
In dating couples, how good news was met predicted how the relationship was doing, and break-ups, two months later.
Why it works
When people tell someone about something good, their day goes better than the good thing alone explains. Evidence: decent How the listener answers matters: active, interested replies went with more benefit for the person telling, and with a better relationship. Evidence: decent In dating couples, how good news was met said more about where the relationship would be two months later than how bad news was met. Evidence: decent
So when someone brings you good news, the answer is part of it. Glad out loud, then one question, is the smallest version of the reply that counted. That exact script hasn't been tested. Evidence: worth trying
This is not ask a follow-up before you offer anything. That one is for anything someone tells you, and the question comes first. With good news, the question comes second: be glad first. Researchers call it an active, constructive response, enthusiasm and then building on the news, and it's the one that went with the benefits. Evidence: decent
The long readEvery step of the chain, each study with its numbers, and what's still unproven. 3 min read.
What happens in your brain
This chain is behaviour, not brain areas. Nobody has scanned it.
Good news gets told. In daily reports, on days people told others about a good event, their mood was higher than the event itself explained. Evidence: decent Most of that work is correlational. Evidence: decent
Your answer is keen or flat. The researchers sorted listeners' replies into four kinds: active and constructive (glad, and building on it), passive and constructive (quiet support), active and destructive (pointing out the downside), and passive and destructive (ignoring it or turning to yourself). Only the first was tied to the benefits. Evidence: decent
The teller gets more from it. When the person telling felt the listener answered that way, they got more out of having told, and the relationship was rated higher. Evidence: decent
The relationship tracks it. 79 dating couples were filmed telling each other about a good and a bad recent event, and observers coded the replies. How partners answered the good news predicted relationship well-being and break-ups two months later, more than how they answered the bad news. Evidence: decent
The proof
- In the 2004 paper, telling others about good events went with more good mood that day, beyond the event itself, and active, interested replies went with more benefit for the teller and a better relationship. Evidence: decent Mostly correlational.
- 79 dating couples, filmed: replies to good news predicted break-ups two months on, more than replies to bad news. Evidence: decent
- Nobody has tested this exact script, glad first and then one question, and faking interest hasn't been shown to help. Evidence: worth trying
How to do it
- When someone tells you something good, be glad out loud first. "That's great news." Enthusiasm is half of the reply that counted. Evidence: decent
- Then ask one question about it. "How did that happen?" "What's next?" That's the building-on-it half. Evidence: worth trying
- No "but", and don't top it with your own news. Pointing out the downside and turning the talk to yourself are the kinds that didn't help. Evidence: decent
- Anyone, not just your partner: a friend, a colleague, your kid. The diary finding was about telling others in general; the couples study was couples. Evidence: decent
- Mean it. Faking interest hasn't been shown to help. Evidence: worth trying
Two neighbours. Answer the small stuff is your partner's everyday offers, a bird, a headline, three seconds of looking up. This one is good news, from anyone, and it takes a minute. Say it while it's good is the other side: you telling.
Watch out
Mostly correlational. People in good relationships may simply answer better, rather than the answering making the relationship good. Evidence: decent The couples were dating, not married twenty years. Evidence: decent Nobody has tested this exact script on its own, and faking it hasn't been shown to help. Evidence: worth trying
Flat for a few weeks, with sleep or appetite off and no interest in things you used to like: that's not a happiness gap, it's a doctor visit.