Telling the kids when things are hard

Something big has changed at home. You've lost your job, the two of you are separating, or someone is ill. You're working out how much to tell the kids, and how. This is the short version.

Most of the research is on divorce. Where I borrow it for a job loss or an illness, I say so.

What does the damage

Across 92 studies, children whose parents divorced did a little worse on average than other children, and the gap was small. Evidence: decent Conflict between the parents explained the harm better than a parent being gone or money being short. Evidence: decent Most children come through divorce fine; the risk sits mostly with conflict, and with day-to-day parenting falling apart. Evidence: decent

So the rows and the chaos around the news count for more than the news. Evidence: decent That the same holds for a lost job or an illness is my extrapolation, not a finding. Evidence: worth trying

What every age hears

Two things, whatever their age: it's not their fault, and here's what stays the same. In divorce studies, few children say they were properly told what was happening. Evidence: decent That a clear explanation and reassurance help is the reviewers' reading, not a tested fix, and outside divorce it's borrowed. Evidence: worth trying

This isn't because of anything you did.

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You're still going to the same school. I'm still doing football on Saturdays.

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Words for their age

Younger kids: short, concrete, and what changes for them. Older kids: more of the truth, and anything that changes for them. Only say what's true. Tell them in one sentence, soon has more.

A lost job:

My job has finished. I'm looking for a new one, so you'll see me at pickup more for a while.

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I've lost my job. I'm working on the next one. Money will be tighter for a bit, so some things will wait. Sorting that out is my job, not yours.

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A separation:

We've decided we won't live together any more. We both love you. That doesn't change.

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An illness:

I'm not well, and the doctors are helping me. I'll be tired for a while, so Nan will do some pickups.

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I've got a problem with my heart and I'm having treatment. You can ask me anything about it, any time.

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Keep one thing the same

Pick one routine and protect it. Bedtime, the Saturday swim, Sunday breakfast. One thing that runs on time says the rest isn't falling apart. That's my reading of the research on parenting falling apart, not a tested fix. Evidence: worth trying

Let them ask again

You don't need every answer on day one. Questions may come later, in the car or at bedtime. The same question twice is fine; answer it twice.

What stays with the grown-ups

• Your worries. Money fear, what your partner did, how scared you are: those go to an adult. A child isn't the one you confide in.
• Promises about how it ends. "Everything will be fine" or "I'll have a job by summer". You don't know, and they'll remember.
• The rows. If it's a separation, the fighting is the part the research says to keep away from them. Evidence: decent

If you get it wrong, say too much or snap at them, go back and fix it.

More in losing your job and with the kids.

When to get help

If a child's worry, or their sleep, hasn't settled after a few weeks, talk to their doctor or their school. That's what they're there for.

If you're worried about a child's safety right now, call your local emergency number (112 in the EU).