steady

Stress and nerves · In the moment

Watch it from across the room

1 minEvidence: decent

Do this

Right after someone winds you up, picture the scene from a corner of the room, with you in it, like a fly on the wall. Watch it from there for a minute before you do anything.

How to do it

  • Do it straight after, before you answer or send anything. The experiments used it right after the provocation.
  • Picture the room from a corner, with you in it. You're watching a man get wound up, not being him.
  • Stay out of your own eyes. Replaying it up close is the version that keeps the heat.
  • A minute, then move on. It's a way to look, not a reason to go round again.

How the distance helpsTap a word for what it means

  1. Provocationlights the fuse

    Someone cuts you down, cuts you off, talks over you. In the studies, people were provoked on purpose in the lab, then asked to reflect on it.

  2. Ruminationkeeps it hot

    Going over it again and again went with more aggression across many studies. In a separate experiment, hitting a punching bag while thinking about the person left people angrier than doing nothing.

  3. From outsideyou watch the scene

    You see it from a distance, with yourself in it, like a fly on the wall. That's the view the experiments asked for.

  4. Youless aggressive

    The distant view meant fewer aggressive thoughts and feelings, and in the second experiment less aggressive behaviour. Lab and students; the road or the kitchen is a guess.

Why it works

After someone provokes you, how you look back at it matters. In two lab experiments, people who were provoked and then pictured the scene from a distance, as a fly on the wall, had fewer aggressive thoughts and feelings, and acted less aggressively. Evidence: decent

It's the picture version of replaying it in the third person. That one swaps "I" for your own name, in words. This one is a view from a corner of the room, straight after the provocation.

The long readEvery step of the chain, each study with its numbers, and what's still unproven. 2 min read.

What happens in your brain

This chain is behaviour, not brain areas. The studies didn't scan anyone.

The provocation lights the fuse. In the experiments, people were provoked on purpose in the lab, then asked to reflect on what had happened. Evidence: decent

Up close, it stays hot. Going over it again and again is called rumination. In one review, 77 studies pooled rumination with bottling it up and avoiding it, and together they went with more aggression, though nearly all measured people once and can't show which came first. Evidence: decent In a separate experiment with 600 students, angered people who hit a punching bag while thinking about the person ended up angrier and more aggressive than people who did nothing. Evidence: decent

From outside, you watch. The fly-on-the-wall instruction asks you to see the scene from a distance, with yourself in it, instead of through your own eyes. Evidence: decent

You come out less aggressive. In the first experiment, 94 students who took that view had fewer aggressive thoughts and feelings. In the second, it also meant less aggressive behaviour: shorter, softer noise blasts at the person who'd provoked them. Evidence: decent Both were lab sessions with students. That it works the same after a real row, or on the road, is a guess. Evidence: worth trying

The proof

  • 94 students were provoked, then reflected on it from a fly-on-the-wall distance. They had fewer aggressive thoughts and feelings. Evidence: decent
  • In a second experiment, the same distant view also meant less aggressive behaviour in a lab task, shorter and softer noise blasts. Evidence: decent
  • One review of 171 studies, 252,605 people: rumination, bottling it up and avoiding it went with more aggression. 155 of the 171 studies measured people once. Evidence: decent Reappraisal, changing how you read what happened, went with slightly less, but that link faded after a check for missing studies. Evidence: worth trying
  • In one experiment with 600 students, angered people who hit a punching bag while thinking about the person ended angrier and more aggressive than people who did nothing. Evidence: decent

How to do it

  • Straight after it happens, before you answer, send the message or take it home.
  • Picture the room from a corner, with you in it.
  • Watch the man in the scene get wound up. Stay out of your own eyes.
  • A minute, then move on. If it's still going round tomorrow, turn it into a plan.

Watch out

Two lab experiments with students, provoked on purpose. Evidence: decent Nobody has tested it on the road, at work or at home. Evidence: worth trying

It's a way to look at the scene, not a reason to run it again. Going round and round is the part that goes with more aggression. Evidence: decent

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