Asking a friend for a hand

Most of us will help a friend move house without thinking twice, then hire a van rather than ask for the same back. This page is the practical kind of help: a lift, a pair of hands, a view on a decision, a name. If what you need is to say you're not doing well, that's a different conversation.

Why you don't ask

You think you'd be a burden. People who need help tend to underestimate how willing others are to give it, and overestimate how much it will put them out. Evidence: decent Helpers also felt better about helping than the askers predicted. Evidence: decent So the ask you're sitting on is probably easier than it feels. Evidence: worth trying Ask for the small favour.

Pick the person

The one who can actually do the thing. The mate with the van for the move. The one who's been through a redundancy for your view on the job offer. Not necessarily your closest friend.

For work, a lead or a contact, look wider. On LinkedIn, people you know only a bit did more for moving to a new job than close contacts. Evidence: decent In less digital industries it flipped, and close contacts did more. Evidence: decent Ask for an introduction, not a job.

The ask

Plain and specific, with a way out. What, when, how long:

Can you give me a hand moving a wardrobe Saturday morning? An hour, tops. Beers after.

Copy

Need a lift to the garage Thursday at eight. Any chance? No worries if not.

Copy

I've got a job offer and I can't decide. Twenty minutes on the phone this week? I want your honest read.

Copy

I'm looking for work in [your field]. Is there one person you think I should talk to?

Copy

That last one asks for a name, not a job. A name is what a loose contact can actually give you. That part is my addition; nobody has tested it. Evidence: worth trying

What to skip

• Apologising it into the ground. Helpers were less put out than askers guessed. Evidence: decent
• The long run-up: "Only if it's no trouble, I know you're busy, I'd never normally..." One "no worries if not" is enough.
• The vague version. "Could use a hand some time" is easy to nod at and forget.
• Asking as a tactic. You'll read that getting someone to do you a favour makes them like you more. It rests on a 1969 lab study and one later lab test, neither with friends, and no large replication I could find. Evidence: worth trying Ask because you need the thing.

Someone you haven't spoken to in years

If the person who can help is an old contact, lead with the reason. Executives who asked people they hadn't spoken to for three years or more for advice on a real work project got advice as useful as from current contacts, and more novel. Evidence: worth trying That was work advice between executives, not friends. Evidence: worth trying

Long time. I'm weighing up going self-employed and you're the only person I know who's done it. Could I ask you three questions some time?

Copy

One message. If it goes quiet, leave it. Reopen an old line with a reason.

If they say no

Take it at face value:

No problem. Thanks anyway.

Copy

A no to Saturday is a no to Saturday. Ask someone else, and ask him again another time for something else.

Afterwards

Say thanks once, properly. Then keep offering too. A friendship where you only ever offer runs one way, and letting a friend help is the other half. That's a reading, not a finding: the studies were about the decision to ask, not about friendship over time. Evidence: worth trying

Next time he needs the van, you're the one who turns up.