How to do it
- Propose a thing with a day. A run on Saturday, a match, a job that needs two people.
- Pick something he'd do anyway. If you don't know what that is now, ask.
- Leave room to talk. Opening up was a route to closeness too.
- If it goes well, make it repeat. One outing is a start.
What the thing does
- The thinggives you the hours
In one paper on new friends, more hours together went with closer friendships. That a thing to do is what gets you those hours is my reading.
- Doing ita route, for men
Among young adults, doing things together went with feeling close for the men. Not for the women.
- Talkingstill counts
Opening up went with feeling close for both, and the young men opened up as much as the women.
- Youpropose the thing
That this works for a grown man and a friend he's drifted from is my extension. The studies were young people, not a test of what to suggest.
Why it works
"We should catch up" is easy to say and easy to never do. A thing has a day and a reason: a run on Saturday, a sofa that needs two people. That's my reading, not a finding. Evidence: worth trying
In two studies, young people described a time they felt close to a friend. Among the young adults, opening up went with feeling close for men and women, and doing things together did too, for the men only. Evidence: worth trying In a separate paper on new friends, more hours together went with closer friendships. Evidence: decent A thing to do is a reason for the hours. Evidence: worth trying
This is the step after reopening an old line. That one gets the first message sent. This one is what you propose once he answers.
The long readEvery step of the chain, each study with its numbers, and what's still unproven. 2 min read.
What happens in your brain
This chain is behaviour, not brain areas. The stops are separate findings lined up, and the last one is my extension.
The thing gives you the hours. In one paper on new friends, more hours together went with closer friendships. Evidence: decent That a thing to do is what gets you those hours is my reading. Evidence: worth trying
Doing it is a route, for men. Radmacher and Azmitia collected stories of feeling close to a friend from 41 young teenagers and 96 young adults, then ran a second study with 174 young adults. In the second, doing things together went with feeling close for the young men, not the women. Evidence: worth trying
Talking still counts. Opening up went with feeling close for both, and the young men opened up as much as the women. Evidence: worth trying So the popular line that men bond side by side and women face to face is softer than it sounds. Doing things was an extra route for the men, not a stand-in for talking. Evidence: worth trying
You propose the thing. That this works for a grown man and a friend he's drifted from is my extension. The studies were young people describing closeness, not a test of what to suggest. Evidence: worth trying
The proof
- Radmacher and Azmitia, 2006: stories from 41 young teenagers and 96 young adults, then a second study of 174 young adults. Opening up went with feeling close for young men and women; doing things together did too, for the men only. Self-reported, and a link, not a test. Evidence: worth trying
- Hall, 2019: in people making new friends, more hours together went with closer friendships. Evidence: decent
How to do it
- Propose a thing with a day: a run on Saturday, a match, a job that needs two people.
- Pick something he'd do anyway. If you don't know what that is now, ask.
- Leave room to talk. Opening up was a route to closeness too. Evidence: worth trying
- If it goes well, make it a standing slot. One outing is a start.
Watch out
The studies were young people describing closeness in their own words: a link, not a test. Evidence: worth trying They didn't test what to suggest to a friend you've drifted from. Evidence: worth trying You'll read that men bond side by side and women face to face. It's softer than its popularity: the young men opened up as much as the women, and talking went with closeness for both. Doing things was an extra route for the men. Evidence: worth trying The hours paper was about new friends, not old ones. Evidence: decent The thing is a reason to be in the same place. Don't use it to dodge every real conversation.